Ryan - Canada

Nickname: pilgrim

About 5 and a 1/2 years ago my life became no longer my life. Before that time I lived in a prison within myself. I am almost 30 years old now, but in many ways I still feel like a child because for so long I was trying to figure out what it meant to grow up.

Trying to be responsible is one of the hardest things I've ever known, trying to follow truth on the other hand, though not easy, is definitely freeing and definitely the reason I gave my life to Jesus Christ.

Before I was born again into the kingdom of God, I knew nothing but the suffering of being me. I can't say I hated myself and I can't say I liked myself either. I think I was very, very insecure in who I was and believing in the first thing that would bring me comfort was always the easiest way to feel secure. Sooooo, like many others, I found my peace and solitude in the things that would take me away from who I was, I would drink, I would do drugs, I would vandalize and steal or hate or even love, if it meant that I would be OK. I searched in between trying to survive, mostly because searching seemed like the only resort in the end. But, I have to say that I was too open and often would get led astray, I guess you could say I was led by death, rather than life.

My idol growing up was a man who worshipped the idea of dying and since all those who related to my hurt and suffering were my idols, this made it very challenging to see true LOVE. I have to wonder now, how many times I was sooo close to the TRUE Saviour, this makes me filled with JOY knowing that through all the pain and suffering and all the wrong choices, I was being Loved.

Love to me was something unknowable and it felt nonexistent, those who seemed to truly understand it seemed scary to me. I think they seemed so scary because I didn't think I was capable of carrying it as well.

So, I guess the question to ask, what happened to my life to make me feel life instead of death? The answer seems impossible to know for sure, but I think that the two greatest things that made me a believer in Jesus Christ would be, 1) He was the first one to be real with me and at the same time Love me, and 2) pure and utter chance, I took a chance that He was who He said He was and WHAM, the truth set me FREE.

I think that we could all write a never-ending testimony of our walk with the Lord because it never ends and so He always sheds new light onto our lives, but I will end it here believing that enough is ENOUGH. May the Lord God touch our hearts with NEW LIFE and may we let go of who we think we are, so that we may see who we really are. AMEN.

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 18:2-4